


Dr. Feelgood

by ohwhoadude



Series: Evil Robot Funtimes (?) [1]
Category: Bill & Ted (Movies)
Genre: A LOT HAPPENS AND I'M FLUSTERED WRITING THESE, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Cock Slapping, Come Eating, Deepthroating, Dirty Talk, Face Slapping, Foursome - M/M/M/M, M/M, Post-Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey, Rough Sex, WE'RE EATING ASS GAYS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:55:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27018424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohwhoadude/pseuds/ohwhoadude
Summary: After Ted makes a wild discovery in the van, he and Bill get new roommates that might just help awaken something in the both of them.
Relationships: Evil Robot Bill/Evil Robot Ted (Bill & Ted), Evil Robot Bill/Ted "Theodore" Logan/Bill S. Preston Esq./Evil Robot Ted, Ted "Theodore" Logan/Bill S. Preston Esq.
Series: Evil Robot Funtimes (?) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2002489
Comments: 20
Kudos: 99





	Dr. Feelgood

**Author's Note:**

> So uh! Hi! I have giant Evil BNT brainrot that I needed to get out of my system before I write the second part of INTTCHTM! It's very long because I'm gay and couldn't just do PWP. I'm also nervous about characterization (even though you can get away with Certain Things with Evil Bill & Ted) but hopefully you guys get some spicy enjoyment out of it. Let's go:

It’s a very surreal feeling when Ted has to use a regular payphone now, waiting for Bill to pick up in the one he’s standing in next to the mall after a late shift at Pretzels ‘N Cheese. He didn’t plan on working past five today, but one of his coworkers meant to be on call tonight bailed at the last minute so now it’s nearly 11 and after a night of rowdy teens passing through, he’s ready to just fall into bed already. Ted doesn’t want to rush home and to bed before making sure Bill’s not pissed at him for staying late, though, so he’s relieved to hear a cheerful, “Hey, dude,” on the other end after two rings.

“Hey, dude,” he repeats, pulling his work visor off his head. “How’d you know it was me?”

“I got lucky.” Bill laughs softly before he sighs out, “I do that a lot with you.”

Ted grins to himself and feels like one of those teens again with the butterflies he gets over his words. Dying and coming back to life has a very funny way of forcing people to make some major life changes and among other pretty big decisions they made, he and Bill finally decided to take the leap and just get together already. There was always some sort of romantic tension between them that very quickly got sexual once they started living together, but now that they know their love can withstand death, hell, and any force that gets in their way, it just made sense to let themselves have it.

And make plenty of it to Ted’s thrill.

It’s hard to think about anything else other than knowing he’ll get to wake up in Bill’s arms in the morning, but he manages to focus when Bill asks, “You okay, babe?”

He’s still not used to the pet names, but Ted still stays strong and nods to himself. “I’m just most exhausted. No way am I gonna cover for somebody this late again, it was totally bogus.”

“At least you have tomorrow off.”

“Yeah, that’s true.”

“We both do,” Bill says, Ted practically able to hear the smile on his face. “We can sleep in, order a ton of food - whatever we want, dude.”

Ted laughs. “ _Whatever_ we want?”

He lets his voice get lower when he asks and feels proud over the way Bill sighs over it. “Anything.”

“Good,” Ted answers. “‘Cause it would be most neglectful of me to not make this up to you tomorrow.”

Bill snorts. “You don’t sound too exhausted now, dude.”

“I’m just saying!”

Ted wants to go further and really expand on the thoughts he has of letting Bill do whatever he wants with him in the morning, but things are still relatively fresh with them. They didn’t have nearly enough time to explore each other in the crunch year they had to get their guitar skills right and what they have done together has been extremely vanilla. It’s not that he doesn’t love every tryst they’ve had, either giggly and talkative or sweet and slow with barely a word between them. Bill treats him so well with soft, gentle touches and kisses alike and he’s been satisfied every time, but Ted has a vague idea of just how far one can go in the bedroom.

Going into the back room the last time they were at the rental store while Bill checked out a couple tapes and seeing all of the wild, kinky covers on display was a mistake, but one he never regretted when he was alone with only his hands and his imagination during days only Bill worked.

Before he can let the words fall off the tip of his tongue, Bill laughs again, much sweeter this time as he says, “You don’t have to do that, Ted. Knowing you’re gonna be around all day is enough.”

Yeah, the line is sweet and still pleases him as he begrudgingly agrees and makes plans to order from their favorite Chinese place tomorrow before they hang up, but Ted still feels himself squirming over the brief image he had in his head. He doubts Bill would ever go for it, but Ted can’t help but get a little chubbed up over the thought of the other man binding his hands together to keep him from tugging at him while he gives it to him hard and fast. Ted tries not to think about Bill fucking him hard enough to leave bruises and make his headboard smack against their bedroom wall when he leaves the phonebooth since he doesn’t need to be rockhard on his drive home, but it’s a struggle. Once he’s in the parking lot, he looks around to see if there’s anybody left to see him before he grits his teeth and pinches the inside of his elbow with his free hand to use a most heinous form of pain instead of a most amorous one to calm himself down.

It’s enough to do the trick, letting out a hiss and nearly dropping his visor before he lets go and pulls his keys from his pocket before heading to find the van. It’s impossible to miss, covered with Wyld Stallyns imagery and the biggest vehicle that any of the other mall employees own, but Ted feels distracted enough to walk past it if he’s not careful. He’s downright thankful to see it shaking to and fro once he reaches their employee section of the parking lot so it’s even more impossible to miss.

...Wait a minute.

Ted may be an idiot to some, but he’s smart enough to immediately sober up once he realizes that yeah, what the hell, that’s their van rocking in the middle of the parking lot. The squeaking of it is rhythmic in a way that Ted refuses to believe, the idea that somebody broke in to do what it sure as hell sounds like being ridiculous. It feels wrong for him to approach and peer inside to see who chose this van of all vans, but if they wanted to be bold enough to breach his privacy like this, then he had every right to breach theirs too. There was something else that compelled him to approach the way he did too, something that threatened to get him fully erect:

The couple in that van were getting louder as he came near and if there was any sounds of pleasure he knew best, it was he and Bill’s, which left him with only one idea as to what was happening.

Sure enough once he was close enough to look into the back door windows, there were their evil robot counterparts who were very much alive and very much preoccupied with each other. Evil Ted was practically bent in half where he lay on his back with his legs hooked over Evil Bill’s shoulders, both of their clothes tossed onto the front seat. They were positioned close to the door so Ted could clearly see the way that his evil twin’s neck was covered with love bites with a fresh one being made as he stood in watch. He should’ve been looking for signs of how they busted into the van, but he’s too focused on the fresh scratches running along Evil Bill’s back and how that has to mean the android under him is having the time of his life.

The throaty moan Evil Ted lets out before tugging the other android away signals that too, gasping out, “Come on, dickweed, harder.”

Evil Bill laughs down at him, reaching down to press his fingers against the newest mark he’s made. “This isn’t hard enough for you?”

“No way.”

Ted jumps at the metal clang that rings out when Evil Ted strikes his partner across the face, only making the robot above him groan and grab his wrists to roughly pin them against the floor of the van. “You gotta learn when to shut up and take it, dude.”

The smug look on Evil Ted’s face makes Ted’s throat dry. “And you gotta learn when to shut up and _fuck_ me.”

It’s Evil Bill’s turn to strike this time, letting go long enough to slap the other robot once before getting his grip back on his wrist and bottoming out. If Ted focuses hard enough, he can see that his counterpart’s cheeks are pink enough to show that this hasn’t been the first time tonight and it’s clear how much he loves it with the way he arches and gasps out at the attention. “What do you know,” Evil Bill says, his voice rough and strained from the effort he’s putting in. “I figured it out.”

Hearing his own voice whine and keen like he can as this crass, rude version of him fights to get out of the hold on his wrists makes Ted forget where they are and let himself feel what he wants. His eyes flutter with the way he relaxes and allows himself to get hard at the sounds of skin slapping against skin underscoring the constant begging from Evil Ted for Evil Bill to go, “deeper, faster, come _on_ ,” even though it looks like it’s impossible for this commanding version of Bill to do that. The sounds of his begging are just as desperate as Ted feels when he’s on his own and getting himself off to the idea of his Bill fucking him just like this and if it didn’t feel like a betrayal to him, he would let his shaking fingers at his sides pull the van open and see what he could learn from them.

And then, when it feels like he couldn’t get any harder in his jeans, this wrecked and fucked out evil version of himself opens his eyes and looks up to see him watching.

Ted doesn’t know if it’s the way he’s been caught or the way that Evil Bill bites his shoulder during his thrusts, but Evil Ted arches a second time with a moan that sounds like it was ripped from his throat. It’s clear that he’s coming, his eyes trained on the pure, human version of him standing outside the van while he thrashes and sounds so damn proud of himself for getting what he begged for. Once he stills, Evil Bill sits up before letting go of his wrists and spreading Evil Ted’s legs up and open to drag them around his waist, gripping his thighs so he can chase his own orgasm.

He’s oblivious to the way Evil Ted, breathless and barely phased by the feeling of being used like this, grins up devilishly at himself and holds up his index and middle finger in a V around his lips to flick his tongue back and forth between them.

It doesn’t take Evil Bill too long after to let go inside of him with a strangled grunt, making Evil Ted shiver even as he’s still smiling up at Ted. The way the other robot moves to lay next to him with a soft, pleased groan once he’s pulled out makes Ted wonder if he’ll ever notice him, but his evil twin smacks him in the stomach to get his attention. “Check it out, Evil Bill.”

“Huh?”

“Look outside, bonehead.”

Evil Bill rolls his eyes but still moves enough to be able to see the way that Ted’s still frozen in place outside. “Excellent!”

He has half a mind to run away, unsure if they intend to assassinate him again even fresh off orgasms, but he’s unable to make himself move when Evil Bill reaches up to open the back of the van. He and Evil Ted both grin even wider at him before calling out, “How’s it goin’, Ted?!”

They sound genuinely excited to see him which takes Ted by surprise even more than the fact that they just had what looked like mindblowing sex in the back of his van. “What are you doing here?”

Evil Bill laughs before doing a jerk-off motion in the space between him and his partner. “What’s it look like, duder?”

“Well, duh, I knew that.”

“Then what are you asking?”

Ted licks his lips that feel impossibly dry over how casual these two look. “How’d you get in here?”

“Come on, dude,” Evil Ted says before pointing his index finger at him, the tip lifting up and away to allow for a perfect replica of his key to rise out from the digit. “How do you think?”

Ted doesn’t admit how cool he thinks that is, instead scoffing and throwing his visor at him. “Don’t you have anywhere else to do that? Why are you even in 1994?”

Evil Ted scowls once his hand is back to normal and tosses that visor into the front seat to join their clothes while Evil Bill rolls his eyes again and says, “Lighten up, pussweed. You dickheads finally jumped in the sack, why can’t we?”

“Besides, it’s most exciting,” Evil Ted adds while he lays back down. “De Nomolos made another copy of us in case the first pair got wasted the way they did, but now that he got busted thanks to you two-”

“We don’t have any reason to kill you guys now,” Evil Bill finishes with a shrug. “Even if you dudes are annoying.”

“Most annoying - and way too sappy, ugh.”

“Like, you guys get married and everything. Gay.”

Ted’s heart pounds at the thought of getting to call Bill his husband in the future, that soft and romantic part of him still there even as his cock twitches in his pants at the way Evil Bill’s rolled onto his side to lightly press against Evil Ted’s love bites again. Both Teds bite their lip and sigh over it, but human Ted can’t let himself get even more distracted at the sight of them so he ignores the chiding and instead says, “Fine, if you dudes want to stay in this year now, I don’t care. Just give me our van back.”

Evil Bill shakes his head. “Where are we gonna go then?”

It feels too cruel to say he doesn’t care, so instead Ted shrugs helplessly. “I don’t know, whatever place would want two dicks like you guys.”

He can see Evil Ted gearing up to insult him as he leans his head back to stare him down, but the scowl that’s returned to his face disappears the second he sees his lower half. “Holy shit, duder!”

His partner looks back too with, “What, dude?”

“Ted’s totally chubbed up!”

“Whoa, yeah,” Bill responds before pointing directly at Ted’s crotch. “You watched the whole time, didn’t you?”

Ted shakes his head quickly, not completely lying, but his evil counterpart bursts out into laughter and moves to lay on his stomach. “He totally did - he was ready to jump us right in the van and switch out with you.”

“Shut up, dude, he wanted to switch out with _you_!”

“No way, dude, I’m right,” Evil Ted says, his voice getting more seductive as his eyes trail along Ted’s form. “It’s not cheating on his most statuesque boyfriend if he fucks himself.”

That’s the second time tonight that his evil twin has made it clear that he wants the two of them to get together, but Ted’s definitely telling the truth this time when he says, “Not you.”

It’s shy and scared coming out of his mouth and the two of them look shocked once he does. There’s a brief flash of disappointment in Evil Ted’s eyes that he won’t get to have sex with himself, but in just a few seconds he’s quickly grinning at his partner and shoving at his shoulder. “Most triumphant, Evil Bill - you get to blow your load twice!”

Evil Bill specifically aims for the other android’s freshly marked shoulder to shove at to make him hiss and pull back, but he’s not paying attention to him in favor of staring at the bulge in Ted’s jeans. He quirks his head towards the inside of the van and smirks at him. “Didn’t know you had it in you, dude. Let’s go.”

Ted’s breath gets caught in his throat. “You just got off, dude.”

“Don’t worry,” Evil Bill assures. “I want to take my time with you.”

His jeans are tight enough to hurt at the thought, but it’s true that he could never engage with either of them behind his Bill’s back. Ted keeps repeating the sight of Evil Bill slapping his partner across the face again and again in his head and wants to reenact it with his, wants him to manhandle and treat him like trash the same way it comes so easily for these two to do. Bill treats him so delicately and it’s amazing when the time’s right for it which makes him feel so loved, but the idea that they can trust each other to go the opposite way for just one night to try it out while knowing it’s all play once it’s all over is one that makes him feel closer to him.

And plus - in the simplest terms - it might feel really, really fucking good.

“I can’t, dude,” he forces himself to say finally, stepping backward and relieved that nobody’s caught the three of them out here like this yet. “Not like this.”

Evil Bill grins and raises his eyebrows. “But maybe somewhere else?”

“Like your rathole apartment?” Evil Ted asks, just as excited.

Ted swallows around his dry throat, not bothered by the further insult. “Yeah.”

“Sick, dude, let’s go right now!”

“I didn't actually mean that!”

Evil Ted stops himself from where he’s started moving to get their clothes, groaning when he looks back at him. “Bogus.”

The idea he gets at the way they genuinely looked bummed out at the refusal is stupid, even for him. There’s no way Bill will go for it, but not only will it keep him from feeling guilty, it’ll keep these two most odious dicks out of trouble. The last person who needs to know they exist is the cops or even his dad through picking them up for indecent exposure or whatever other activities they’d get up to on their own. Against all of his better judgement, Ted offers what he hopes is a convincingly kind smile and takes a deep sigh.

“But you _can_ come stay with us.”

He watches Evil Ted look down from where he’s sat up leaning against the driver’s seat at Evil Bill who’s still laid along the bed of the van, both of them looking absolutely lost at the prospect. They look back at Ted in unison, Evil Bill being the one to speak first as he asks, “Is this a joke?”

“Yeah,” Evil Ted says, backing him up. “Are you gonna trap us in there and have some most inferior copies of us knock our heads off too?”

“Most definitely not, dudes,” Ted says, the two of them being difficult making him soften the longer he talks to them to his relief. “You guys don’t have anywhere else, right? I can talk to Bill and see if you can stay for a while and have somewhere to sleep and stuff. Uh, if you guys even sleep, I mean.”

Evil Bill snorts. “We don’t.”

“Oh.”

“But that’s a most generous offer,” he says, sitting up to sit next to his partner as he reaches for his underwear. “Even if Bill’s gonna be a total pussy about it.”

Ted frowns, feeling defensive. “Hey, he's not a-”

“Yeah, dude, he is,” Evil Ted interrupts before grinning. “But I think that’s gonna change. Don’t you, Evil Bill?”

“Yeah, ET,” Evil Bill replies before pointing at where Ted is still half-chubbed in his jeans. “At least somebody wants it to, huh?”

As he watches the evil robot duo put their clothes back and talk amongst themselves about just how much fun they’re gonna have back at the apartment, Ted doesn’t know if he can completely argue against that.

_____________________________________________

In a most non-shocking turn of events, Evil Robot Bill & Ted 2.0 are absolutely terrible roommates.

Bill should’ve never let Ted talk him into letting the pair stay, but saying no to his boyfriend was always difficult. It was hard for him to trust that they weren’t going to be murdered on their word alone and they kept looking at them in a most bizarre way while they gave them a brief tour. They seemed way too happy about how their beds were pushed together in the bedroom and Bill was pretty sure that he saw his evil counterpart staring at Ted’s ass when he bent forward to pick up a few wrappers that were cluttering the kitchen floor. Even though the two androids swore that they weren’t gonna keep their human counterparts awake at night with any deviance, it was only Ted’s assurance later when they settled in to sleep that calmed Bill down.

“They would’ve done something by now,” Ted whispered against his neck, their legs curled together under the sheets. “Just relax, Bill.”

He wanted to bring up how weird it was that Ted was so trusting after he’d been the one to call out the first, more violent pair of robots they encountered, but Bill wagered that he’d been so late going home for a reason. If they’re good enough for him, then he was going to force himself to fall in line, even if - as he knows now a week and a half later - the two of them totally suck to live with.

Neither of them can lie and say that their apartment is clean by any measure, the occasional open bag of chips or empty soda can sitting in various rooms of the house at any given time, but they weren’t complete animals. Their robot doubles, however, had no problem placing their fishbowl where it didn’t belong, leaving trails of crumbs around the living room after eating leftovers that don’t even give them sustenance but instead got eaten to screw with he and Ted, or the most egregious of all: being responsible for the fact that Bill had to wash literal jizz stains off the van’s interior. That should’ve been enough to ban them from staying in the first place, but whatever - at least they wouldn’t be tempted to do it again even if it seemed like it’s all they wanted to do now. Two days ago while Ted was making dinner (with much smaller portions to save them trouble this time) as Evil Bill stood next to him at the stove heckling him, Evil Ted sat with Bill in the living room and nudged his side to ask, “You know what Evil Bill told me last night, dude?”

“What?”

Evil Ted grinned and leaned in to press his lips against his ear, gesturing to the end table next to the couch. “He said that sometimes he wants to knock that lamp off and bend Ted over so he can show him what he’s missing.”

Bill jumped back, scooting as far down the couch as he could to get away from him. “Shut up, dude!”

“It’s true,” Evil Ted said coolly. “You guys are so boring even if you sound hot when you bust.”

Bill couldn’t deny that he’d gotten so wrapped up in how beautiful Ted looked in his arms the night before that he let himself get a little loud once it was all over, but Evil Ted shouldn’t have been listening in anyway. That conversation ended when Bill pushed himself off the couch to see if his Ted needed any help in the kitchen, but now exactly a week later when they both have a day off again, he’s thinking about all the other ways the evil pair seem to be dead set on messing with them sexually. For one thing, he’d noticed Evil Bill whispering to Ted sometimes too which always made him blush and scamper away instead of getting indignant like Bill had. He decided he was imagining the way Ted smiled over a couple instances, knowing there was no way that it was anything genuinely exciting.

After all, they’re totally into each other the way things are now and there was definitely nothing intriguing about the few times he’d walked in on Evil Bill & Ted having sex in various spots in the apartment after work.

The first time was the first Monday with them in the apartment, Ted being away helping Deacon move into his own apartment and giving their evil twins the opportunity to steal their bed for it. Bill arrived to see the bedroom door wide open and showing off the way Evil Ted pinned Evil Bill to his mattress while he rode him hard and fast, only stopping when Bill yelled at them for it. Sure, they just flipped him off before Evil Ted started moving again, but at least they didn’t complain when Bill slammed the door in response. After that came the time Bill couldn’t even get in the door since Evil Ted was pressed against it while Evil Bill loudly called him all sorts of raunchy names, the time when Bill was visiting his dad so it became Ted’s turn to find the duo in the bathroom where Evil Bill was roughly thrusting into Evil Ted’s mouth while he sat on his knees, and then the latest in just yesterday when they both came home from a grocery run to find a partly dressed Evil Bill pressing a fully naked Evil Ted into the kitchen counter and keeping him there while he slammed into him from behind. While Ted jumped and ran into the bedroom to avoid them, Bill stood and watched as his evil counterpart grinned at the sight of him before tugging at Evil Ted’s hair and saying, “Look who’s home, duder!”

He didn’t let Evil Ted add anything, moving the hand that was keeping his leg high up on the counter next to him to shove two fingers in his mouth, but Bill assumed that the way Evil Ted stared at him with lustful eyes while he greedily sucked at them was meant to be his response.

And yeah okay, he’s still thinking about it now as he lays awake the next morning, Ted still asleep in his hold where he’s spooned around him. They have today off too so he’s in no rush to get out of bed, especially when for all he knows, the other pair could already be going at it somewhere. There’s a comforting warmth here between the sheets with his Ted and he dares not disturb it even as he pictures him spread out and panting under another’s hands. He’s seen how Evil Ted looks after one of their hookups and he can’t bear the thought of putting his Ted through that, but at the end of the day it’s the same breathy, keening voice that he gets to hear when they’re alone and it makes him yearn and twitch against the still sleeping man next to him through his boxers. As Ted slowly stirs the harder Bill gets, Bill can’t help but wonder if he’s realized why they were brought here in the first place.

“Mnh,” Ted sounds out into the pillow before pressing back into him with a gentle laugh. “Good morning to you too, dude.”

He stays pressed there, reaching back to run his knuckles along Bill’s neck as he turns his head to kiss him. Bill accepts it, their lips moving together slowly and sweetly as they eventually start to grind together where they lay, but he doesn’t want to take it any further until he gets the thought that crossed his mind out of his head. Letting himself lightly drag his teeth along Ted’s bottom lip as he pulls away, he rests his forehead against his and whispers, “I miss things being quiet like this.”

Ted bumps his nose against Bill’s, bringing his fingers up to rest in his hair instead. “They’re not that bad. Remember last time?”

Bill nods before he moves to kiss the small scar that buzzard left on his temple when he dared to peck at Ted’s head. “I know, babe, but they still do engage in most odious behavior.”

“So talk to them about it,” Ted sighs. “You’re the man of the house.”

They both laugh at the prospect even as Ted shivers and breaks out into goosebumps over Bill running his fingers over the V of his hips peeking out from his briefs. Bill moves to kiss along his jawline instead this time and stays there when he says, “I see how you get with them, though.”

Ted hums pensively and looks away from him, nuzzling into the pillowcase. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You don’t have to lie, Ted.” Bill tries to guide his face back towards him, but Ted resists and it’s already confirming some things for him. “It’s not like you’d be thinking about a babe or, y’know. Another guy.”

They both know the only guy there’s ever been for either of them is each other so it feels stupid to say, especially when the other men in this situation are literal copies of themselves. Yet it’s that distinction that’s the reason why it’s really not an issue for Bill once Ted shifts to lay on his back and look up at him helplessly. “I’m so totally, most egregiously into what they do, dude.”

The first image that pops in Bill’s head over the other man’s words is the way Evil Ted winced in Evil Bill’s hold over one particularly hard thrust in the kitchen and that’s when he feels apprehensive. “Wait, really?”

Ted nods in quick bursts. “The way they look, the way they _sound_ \- I want that. I want that with you.”

The shy, but eager tone in his boyfriend’s words as he looks away to stare at the ceiling has Bill caught between emotions. On one hand, he wonders if Ted hasn’t been as into him as he is with him, but on the other, the instinct he’s always had to please Ted and make him happy at any cost pulls at him to see what he can do for him. “Uh, okay - like the hair-pulling and stuff?”

He tentatively raises his hand up from where it’s been resting on his stomach to experimentally tug at a few strands of Ted’s hair only to find Ted thrusting up over it with a quiet moan in the back of his throat. “Yeah,” Ted whispers with a nod, reaching down to palm himself through his briefs. “That’s not all, but I don’t know.”

“What else?”

Ted shakes his head, still avoiding his gaze. “You won’t do it.”

“Tell me,” Bill says, kissing his cheek. “How can you know until you ask, my most outstanding paramour?”

The way Ted grins over the praise even through his nerves is exactly what he hoped would happen and he waits for him to respond as he takes his hand still curled in his hair to rest his palm over his cheek. “Sometimes I want,” he starts, pressing his hand in tight against him. “I want you to - I want you to slap me.”

“Slap me” is said so quietly that Bill thinks he imagined it but he knows he couldn’t have. “Wait, dude, what?”

“I know, it’s most heinous-”

“I’m not doing that,” Bill interrupts, not confirming or denying its level of heinosity as to not upset Ted more than he probably just did. “I’m not gonna hurt you, Ted.”

He hopes that the way he runs his thumb over Ted’s cheekbone is comforting for him, watching the way Ted nods solemnly and lets go of himself. “I already knew that.”

“I’m sorry,” Bill says before moving in to give him a proper kiss. He can hear the footsteps of their evil counterparts wandering around outside, both of them looking towards the door over it, and he’s sure he can see Ted licking his lips out of the corner of his eye. It’s either now or never to say what he knows out loud so instead of making a joke about how their neighbors downstairs are gonna complain or another goofy comment like he has been, Bill looks back at him and says, “You’ve totally thought about boning them, though, haven’t you?”

Ted nods immediately and sheepishly laughs out, “I absolutely have, dude. It would be just once, I swear, but...”

The way Ted hides his face with his hands with an annoyed groan after he trails off makes Bill laugh back warmly, gently resting one of his palms over them. “It’s okay, dude,” he says, lightly pulling at him to come out of hiding. “They definitely know what they’re doing which is why I don’t have a problem with it if you go for it.”

That makes Ted peak at him behind his fingers, his eyes wide in shock and his voice muffled. “No way.”

Bill shrugs. “Yes way,” he says, slipping his hand down to rest against Ted’s stomach again. “That way you can get what you want from me, but just - not me. That sounds weird, but whatever.”

When Ted lets his hands slip away, he laughs and ruffles through his curls. “I think we hit weird critical mass a while ago, Bill.”

Bill just laughs with him, letting himself be dragged down for a deeper kiss this time, clearly full of gratitude that Ted’s probably too apprehensive to share out loud. When they pull away, he nuzzles along Ted’s cheek and says, “Whenever you’re ready, though, Ted. I’ll hang out with the princesses or something so you guys can have some space. We gotta figure out which recording studio to rent out anyway.”

Ted shakes his head, his grin turning into a frown. “No, dude, I want you there.”

The erection that fell to the wayside in Bill’s boxers twitches in attention. “What would I do?”

“Whatever you want,” Ted says before bringing him down for a second kiss. “It wouldn’t feel right if you weren’t there - plus, Evil Ted’s most definitely gonna get in the way so it’s just fair.”

Bill’s brow furrows in thought. “Can we all fit up here?”

Ted grins. “We can try.”

“...Yeah, alright, I’ll stay.”

That grin gets impossibly wider before Ted pulls him back in, staying close as Bill finally pulls him out of his briefs to give him some satisfaction. That ends up being all that they do that morning, Bill slowly rutting against Ted’s thigh once he’s out of his boxers while he whispers in Ted’s ear about how proud he is of him for feeling confident enough to admit his desires to him. He even gives him some more of that hair-pulling (albeit much softer than Ted probably actually wants) and it does give him a thrill to see the way Ted bucks into his grip and moans out over it each time he does it. They make sure to pant and moan against each other’s lips to hide the sounds once they get where they need to be so Evil Bill & Ted can’t hear, but it honestly makes it sweeter to know that they’ll get it loud and clear in the very near future.

Not to mention the way that they both know deep down that those two will definitely refuse to take orders and run the show themselves.

This is proven immediately when Bill’s the first to get out of bed and shower while Ted cleans himself up and the first thing he sees is the pair standing outside of the bedroom with shit-eating grins. He can’t figure out if it’s terrifying or arousing when Evil Bill raises a pair of devil horns at him and says, “About time you got on board, loser.”

“Wait, how did you hear all that?”

Evil Ted turns his head and moves his ear back to show a tiny wheel resting between it and his skull that he turns down as he speaks. “We have all kinds of cool shit on us, dude.”

“Whoa,” Bill sighs in agreement, grateful that they don’t have to deal with getting ragged on for the sappier elements of the conversation they’d need to have with them and can instead get straight to the point. “So, uh - you want me in or not?”

“Dude,” Evil Bill snorts. “You think I haven’t been telling him about how excellent it would be to double-team him with you?”

He sounds like he thinks Bill’s an idiot for even asking him and maybe he is, but the idea of actively participating makes him feel like he’s already gonna have to get off again in the shower. It also, however, makes him feel like he and this most treacherous version of himself are gonna butt heads about how to make Ted feel good and that could cause a ton of trouble. “We’ll see, dude,” he decides to say, turning on his feet to head for the bathroom and trying to hide the way he’s blushing over the way they laugh at him in the pile of clothes he’s carrying in his arms.

And goddamn if once he and Ted are clean and ready for a relaxing day at home if their robot doubles don’t hover over them for every second of it.

When they decide to channel-surf after breakfast, Evil Bill & Ted insist on inserting themselves between the two of them on the couch so they can cozy up to them. Evil Ted wraps his arm around Bill’s shoulder and noses along his ear and Evil Bill wraps his around Ted’s waist and goes for his neck instead, making them both gape at each other in distress. It’s not genuine unrest, neither of them feeling unsafe pressed together with them like this, but it didn’t occur to Bill that they’d be this ready to go so soon after knowing the four of them are all on the same page. He has no intention of having what he’s realized is a whole _foursome_ this early in the day, but knowing that it’s available to them whenever they want is exciting in a way he didn’t anticipate. It’s also most appreciated how the evil pair still at the same time they do and don’t keep up their nuzzling until he and Ted relax in their holds as permission. Bill guesses that there must be a little goodness inside the two of them after all.

This goes on, of course; that afternoon, Evil Ted gets up to join Bill where he’s on the phone ordering lunch for the apartment before saying, “Watch this, EB,” and sneaking his warm fingers under Bill’s shirt from behind to smooth out over his stomach which makes him squirm and shudder just like the android wanted. Yeah, Evil Ted being with him specifically was never actually addressed out loud, but Bill’s not gonna complain with the way his smooth fingertips are a nice contrast to the calluses on his Ted’s. He still lets himself elbow him in the stomach when he makes him whimper over the way he reaches up to pinch and twist his nipples between his fingers in the middle of going over his payment method, though.

The sounds of Evil Ted sighing out a deep, pleased chuckle in his ear mixed with Ted laughing breathlessly over something most definitely dirty that Evil Bill’s whispering to him about while he kisses down the slope of his neck, the two of them so similar and yet so different, almost make him drop the phone.

By the time the sun sets, Bill’s managed to convince himself that they can make it through the day since the pair calmed down once they ate their takeout to give them time to brainstorm lyrics and figure out a few guitar riffs during the rest of the day. The song they write is raunchier than their usual work thanks to all the twisting lust still sitting in the back of their minds, but they laugh it off since they know that they can always tone it down later. Once he gets their notebooks and guitars put away, Bill fully intends to sit back on the couch and cuddle up with Ted while they try to listen to the new Motley Crüe album that they’re forcing themselves to have an open mind about now that Vince Neil’s gone, but he looks from the hallway to find that Ted’s not alone anymore. In his place is Evil Bill who’s in the middle of dragging him into his lap with Evil Ted watches nearby who’s headbanging to himself as he watches. “Are we doing this now, dude?”

“Uh huh,” Evil Bill answers once Ted’s settled on his lap, his hands resting on the small of his back. “Honestly it’s most non-non-heinous we had to wait this long.”

He tugs at the hem of Ted’s Van Halen shirt, but Ted shakes his head. “Not without Bill.”

“Ugh, fine.”

Bill’s glad that at least one of them remembered him, choosing then to sprint into the living room and stand at Evil Ted's side with a grin and a sigh of, “I’m right here, babe.”

Ted turns from where Evil Bill’s trying to nip at his lips and perks up at the sight of his Bill instead. “Hi, dude.”

Evil Bill rolls his eyes and guides Ted’s face back to his with two fingers against his jaw. “Happy now?”

“Yeah,” Ted says before he nods and lifts his arms obediently. “If he wants to go ahead, then I do too.”

There’s clear impatience in Evil Bill’s gaze when he looks towards him for confirmation and once he nods, he yanks Ted’s shirt from his torso and tosses it at Bill. He frowns over the way Evil Ted laughs at the way it smacks him in the chest, but his annoyance is squashed by the protective worry that squeezes in his gut when Evil Bill immediately tugs Ted forward to kiss with his fingers practically digging into his sides. Ted’s gasping against him, grasping at his neck while their teeth and tongues clash together and Bill can only assume that Ted’s been waiting for this moment ever since he found the robot duo in the van. He’s unsure what to do now, not wanting to make things bogus and get in the middle of whatever awakening they’re having together, but Evil Ted nudges his side before pushing him towards the sofa. “Get in there, pussweed.”

As he falls onto the cushion behind Ted, Bill can hear Evil Ted moving to sit next to him and while he wishes they’d had a deeper conversation about all this beforehand, he can’t deny how most enticing it is to watch the sight in front of him. When Evil Bill brings the hand not cupping Ted’s ass up to curl in his hair and sharply tug his head back to get at his neck, Bill gasps with his boyfriend as the other him buries his face there to drag his teeth along his skin. Bill reaches out to rub Ted’s arched back to soothe him and moves in closer to kiss his cheek, whispering, “You alright, babe?”

“Yeah,” Ted whispers back, narrowly avoiding the way Evil Bill tries to tug him back. “I’m most splendiferously alright, dude.”

“Good. You know I love you, right?”

“I do.”

Evil Ted laughs derisively behind Bill, pulling him back into his arms as he says, “Don’t get so sentimental, that’s lame.”

“Totally bogus,” Evil Bill agrees before pulling Ted’s face closer to his by his hair, smirking at the way he whimpers over it. “We’re gonna teach him to lighten up. Don’t worry, ‘babe.’”

Ted doesn’t have a chance to respond before Evil Bill brings him in for another biting kiss and Bill wants to defend himself since he knows, he _knows_ that he and Ted are fine and this kind of play is just a one time thing. Yet he has to wonder if Ted was in on this master plan from the dubious androids to convince him to go harder and rougher which makes the arms that match Ted’s wrapping around him a comfort even if they’re attached to one of those robots. Bill looks back at him and pulls his focus away from the pair in the thick of it to ask, “What are you guys gonna do to him?”

“We told you this morning, bonehead,” Evil Ted says before biting at his earlobe. “Evil Bill gets one hole, you get the other, and I get to make sure you don’t run yours too much.”

“Whoa.”

“Uh huh.”

Evil Ted looks absolutely thrilled at the prospect, squeezing Bill tight and swaying him in time with the way Evil Bill’s started to encourage Ted to roll his hips against him. “Dude,” Bill says as Evil Ted slides his hands back under his shirt like he’s found himself missing to get it off. “Is Ted okay with that?”

“Dude,” Evil Ted repeats once he throws it to the ground. “Do you think he’d be humping your most picturesque double if he wasn’t?”

“Is that why you came, to totally seduce him?”

“It’s why _he’ll_ come.”

“Shut up, Evil Ted!”

That’s what makes Evil Bill finally pull away from Ted who moves to the side to catch his breath against the couch, ignoring the way Evil Bill says, “Relax, Bill - your Ted brought us for most chaste, boring reasons like giving us a home or whatever.”

“Pinky swear,” Evil Ted whispers in Bill’s ear, wiggling his with little electronic whirring sounds accompanying it.

“It’s not our fault we looked so hot when you walked in on us.”

“Yeah,” Evil Ted adds, flicking at one of Bill’s nipples. “Learn how to knock, dick.”

Hatching a secret plan to fuck them is certainly a much more rewarding secret plan than one to waste them, but Bill can’t accept it until he hears it from his boyfriend. “Ted? Is that true?”

Ted finally stirs to attention and looks back to nod at him. “They _were_ really hot when I found them - bodaciously hot - but I didn’t tell them to do this. They messed with me just like they messed with you, dude.”

He’s breathless and speaking with kiss-swollen lips while the only thing holding him from grinding into Evil Bill is the hands gripping his hips in wait, but for all the distractions he has, Ted sounds so genuine when he speaks to Bill that he has to believe him. Bill slides out of Evil Ted’s hold to cup his Ted’s face and give him his own sweet kiss before pulling away and saying, “Does he kiss like me?"

“Yeah," Ted says before giving him another. “But the real thing is always _most_ excellent.”

Evil Ted huffs behind them before standing up and pulling his hoodie off. “Cut out the lovey-dovey stuff, dudes, and let’s get off already.”

“Hell yeah, duder,” Evil Bill says before sliding out from under Ted and scooping him up to hold bridal style, making him yelp from the shock of the brute strength he has. “Let’s get goin’.”

It feels right to Bill that their counterparts were programmed to be even stronger than they were which is why it only surprises him a little bit when after Ted’s carried off to the bedroom, Evil Ted scooping him up and throwing him over his shoulder with ease. He tries to reach for his Wyld Stallyns hat where it falls off onto the floor, but stops when Evil Ted laughs and says, “That hat’s bogus anyway.”

“Hey fuck you, dude,” Evil Bill calls from the bedroom. “I have the same one on right now!”

“It’s stupid when you wear it too!”

Bill can hear Ted start to say that he likes it, but it’s cut off by the way he’s thrown onto the bed and immediately pounced on. Once Evil Ted gets inside the bedroom and slams the door behind him before setting him down to sit at the foot of their makeshift bed, Bill gets brief memories of another time when a robot version of himself had someone pinned to these mattresses. Yet instead of the fear he felt then, he feels a stirring in the pit of his stomach over the way Evil Bill uses one hand to bind Ted’s wrists together and the other to tug his own fly open where they lay horizontally in front of him. His double clearly had obsessed over doing this just as much as Ted had with how quickly he was working to pull himself out and show off how fully chubbed up he already was, slapping himself against Ted’s stomach a few times while he laughs in that smarmy little way he does and asks, “Look any better than his?”

“They look the same, dude,” Ted says innocently, earning him sharp twisting, pinches against nipples after Evil Bill lets his cock rests against his middle.

Bill’s first instinct is to move in and stop him at the sound of Ted whining low in his throat over it, but Evil Ted grabs his belt loops to pull him back. “Let it happen,” he croons in his ear, bringing his hands to the front to get Bill’s pants undone too before licking along the shell of it. “He’s most capable of speaking for himself, dude.”

“What if he hurts him?”

Evil Ted places a wet, open-mouthed kiss just under his jaw in time with the way he slides Bill’s jeans down to his ankles. “He won’t - unless he wants him to. C’mon.”

As Evil Bill moves up further on the bed to rest on his knees next to Ted’s head, Bill steps out of his jeans and lets himself get led to the side of the bed to face his lover before Evil Ted pushes down on his shoulders to make him kneel there. Just like he predicted, the two of them clearly have this planned out and as Evil Ted comes down to join him on the floor, Bill rests his forearms on the bed to keep himself grounded. If he’s here to learn a lesson then he’s gotta keep himself calm despite Evil Ted’s greedy grip on his hips, the way Evil Bill stares down at Ted like he’s starving, and the fact that Ted’s already pitching a full tent in his shorts.

He’s way in over his head, but underneath it all once he locks eyes with Ted and watches him smile down at him in his sweet, excited Ted way, Bill thinks it could be worth it.

Ted, meanwhile, feels overwhelmed in the best way over seeing his Bill figuring out his next move while a much wilder Bill sits next to him pushing his bangs from his eyes to get a better look at his cock in his hand. “Really look at it,” Evil Bill says, running the tip along his bottom lip. “You sure we’re the same?”

The way his lip drags down with the head as he pulls it away makes Ted shiver and he swallows thickly as he reaches to wrap his fingers around it himself. It has the same slight curve upward, the same little vein underneath near his balls that always makes Bill groan softly whenever he runs his fingers or tongue over it, and once Evil Bill raises his shirt up to his chest, Ted can see that he has the same dusting of wiry curls surrounding the base. He experimentally runs his thumb over that vein and gets the same reaction which - even as he’s a little nervous doing it after what happened last time - makes Ted nod up at him and say, “I’m most sure you are.”

Evil Bill huffs. “Not even a little bigger?”

Ted can’t help but laugh at the way Bill scoffs and tells his double to “shut up, Evil Bill,” but he still shakes his head. “Sorry, dude.”

“Bogus,” he says before shrugging, rutting softly against Ted’s grip. “Whatever, I don’t need a fat one for this. Open up, pretty boy.”

“Wait, EB,” Evil Ted says while smoothing his hands over Bill’s arms. “You gotta let Bill get started first.”

“Oh yeah.” Evil Bill grins and grabs Ted’s jaw, shaking his head back and forth as he says, “You asked nicely so we gotta let him.”

Evil Ted grabs Bill’s hands and places them over Ted’s ankles, curling his fingers around them as he kisses Bill’s cheek. “Pull him down so you can eat him out.”

Ted’s cock twitches against the confines of his shorts at the thought, remembering how the one and only time he and Bill tried that led to him busting way too soon over the soft, wet heat of it. It might be harder to deal with now while wrapped up in their doubles’ constant teasing, but the way Bill squeezes his ankles in time with Evil Bill laughing behind him makes him want to try. Evil Bill, however, shakes his head above him and points to where Ted’s still lightly stroking him with, “No, dude, suck him off. Show him what he’s gotta do to me once you’re poundin’ him.”

“That’s most typical, dude,” Evil Ted says, shaking his head back in kind. “He can do that whenever, this is special.”

“Eww, now you sound as gay as they do!”

Honestly Ted would be totally fine with either excellent outcome, but can’t help but feel a little touched when Bill rolls his eyes and says, “But what about what Ted wants?”

The two robots outright laugh on either side of them, making Bill frown while watching the both of them. Evil Bill starts making whimpering little noises to mock him before he says, “Just choke on him already!”

“No, eat him out,” Evil Ted insists, shaking Bill’s shoulders. “He totally wants your tongue, dude.”

“Have you even deepthroated him yet, pussy?”

“Don’t you want to fuck him like that?”

The two of them keep arguing with him like that over the virtues of either act and Ted can see the gears turning in Bill’s head, both of them starting to pant over it while the other pair egg him on. Bill’s usually so sure of himself when they have sex (or do anything together, really) and his apprehensiveness has had Ted worried even in his excitement, but this is new territory for them and he can’t force him into it. Yet it’s so obvious what Evil Bill & Ted are doing as they continue to fight over which foreplay is best for Ted so it might be the hottest thing Bill’s done in a while when he finally yanks him down until his hips are at the edge of the bed without warning before tugging his shorts and briefs off and crying out, “Shut up already, you dicks!”

The only thing that pulls Ted away from the way Evil Bill laughs triumphantly over the motion is the way that Bill grabs his legs to raise them up and back towards Ted’s torso so he has easy access to be able to lick a broad stripe against his hole.

Ted nearly kicks him in the head with the way he jumps over it, moaning in tandem with Evil Bill after giving him a hard stroke without thinking. He can hear Evil Bill complaining about how bogus it is that Bill isn’t blowing him, but it’s quiet under the sound of his Bill instructing Evil Ted to keep his legs up so he can bring his thumbs down to spread him wider. With Evil Bill’s cock in his hand, he has something to focus on now so he doesn’t blow his load at the feeling of Bill’s tongue sliding over him again and again. He even lets himself lean in to leave little open-mouthed kisses along Evil Bill’s length and gets the feeling of his nails scratching along his scalp as a reward.

“I knew it, dude,” Evil Bill says, soft enough for only he and Ted to hear. “You kept acting all shy, but you’ve been a total slut this whole time, huh?”

Hearing that coupled with the way his Bill pauses to suck at his perineum before going back in to nudge the tip of his tongue inside him makes Ted’s back arch high off the bed with a keening whine that has both of them laughing. He’s not thinking about sleeping with Bill every second or anything and he still feels so self-conscious admitting it, but he really did think about him for years and what it would be like for him to envelope every part of him. This week and a half with this new, different Bill only felt like that want and yearning on speed knowing he could have both of them if everybody was on the same page. Now as he watches Evil Ted get a tight grip in Bill’s curls to keep him flush against him while he steadily licks into him deeper and deeper, Ted lets his own fingers grip the sheets before he lets himself nuzzle along his length and whisper, “Yeah, I am.”

“Huh.” Evil Bill tugs his head away from his cock to force him to look at him. “Want to say that again?”

“I said I am, dude, I am.”

“Louder for them, c’mon,” Evil Bill says, tugging him to look at Evil Ted gleefully watching them from where he’s working his pants open with his free hand behind Bill. “Tell them what you are.”

Waiting until Evil Ted forces Bill up to look at him with a loud, wet noise following him, Ted lets himself lick his lips after moaning at the loss and say, “I’m a total slut - for all of you.”

Evil Ted grins impossibly wider. “Me too?”

“Shut up, Evil Ted,” Evil Bill says before guiding Ted back to his cock. “He’s ours tonight.”

“Most heinous,” Evil Ted sighs before pushing Bill back down with a pout. “And most unfair.”

“You want fair? Alright, dork, here’s fair.”

Ted hears him revving up for it before he realizes what’s happening, but the way that he feels Evil Bill get his mouth open to spit in it right when he feels his Bill spit against his hole might’ve made him come if not for the way Evil Ted rushes to grip the base of his cock to stop him. If anyone would know his tells of his toes curling and his teeth baring with little hissing gasps better than Bill, it was the complete replica of himself who smacks Bill on the ass to get him to let up. As he swallows on impulse, Evil Bill takes a hold of his cock from him and smacks him in the cheek with it, pulling him out of his near-orgmasic haze to shudder out a gasp and focus back on his face.

“Dude!”

They both look up to see Bill who’s stopped where Evil Ted’s guiding him towards the lube sitting on their amp to glare at his evil double. “You’re like all metal and stuff, what are you doing smacking him with your-”

“What, this?” Evil Bill smacks himself against Ted’s other cheek this time, the fleshy slap of it louder in his ears. “Dude, you really think we’re carrying a metal rod in our pants all day?”

“We didn’t even have these until we begged to get one,” Evil Ted says while groping himself for emphasis. “De Nomolos said it would be a most non-triumphant distraction.”

“But that dick’s locked up now,” Evil Bill adds before gliding his cock across Ted’s open mouth and slapping it against his chin. “So now we can use ours all we want.”

Bill huffs over their attitudes, but he has no reason to doubt them since he still hasn’t heard any metal clanging and Ted looks way satisfied where he lays. “I guess you can, dudes,” he says while making sure they have enough lube left for the night and not noticing the way Evil Ted sneaks away to shuffle between Ted’s still spread open legs.

He’s also unaware of the way Evil Ted whispers, “Hey, dude,” at Ted before grazing his teeth against the sensitive skin of one inner thigh and sucking hard with a wink.

It’s Ted's strangled groan that gets Bill to sprint back as the evil robots laugh smugly over their reactions, Evil Ted pressing a coy kiss against the mark he leaves once he’s finished. Bill bumps past him to let Ted’s legs rest comfortably on his shoulders this time once he’s back between them with a soft, “Buzz off.”

“Sorry, Bill,” Evil Ted sighs against his temple, nosing along there. “He looks most tantalizing, I can’t help it.”

Bill snorts while he focuses on spreading out the first dollop of lube on his index finger and gently rubbing around Ted’s already wet hole. “You’re the same, dude.”

“Maybe we are, yeah.” Evil Ted waits until Bill’s checked in with Ted about adding that first finger inside of him to bring his arms out and run his palms along Ted’s thighs as he says, “But seeing you guys - _hearing_ you guys - I want to know what it’s like, you know?”

As he watches Ted adjust to having something that isn’t his tongue inside him, he can see Evil Bill climb over him to get his jeans and boxers all the way off before getting on his knees and pulling Ted back in to kiss. Drops of Evil Bill’s precum are dusting Ted’s cheeks and the android moves to scoop some up with his finger to coerce him into sucking it off just as Bill starts fingering him open. Ted looks sheepish, avoiding their gazes as he hums around it over both of them, but Evil Bill forces him to stare at him with his free hand while telling him about “all the fun they’re gonna have with” him. This coupled with the way Evil Ted’s kissing behind his ear and tugging at the waistband of his boxers to get them off makes Bill feel like he’s in some lusty, sex-filled stupor, but he manages to get Ted to a place where he can upgrade to a second finger.

Just as Ted sighs against Evil Bill’s mouth and arches over it, Evil Ted bites the shell of Bill’s ear and tugs with, “Come on, dude, you’re supposed to _give_ it to him. That’s why I told you to eat him out.”

“But what if-”

“You _aren’t_ ,” Evil Ted hisses before grabbing Bill’s wrist and pulling his hand away. “Get in there.”

Bill moves forward with the way Evil Ted moves his hand for him to drive his fingers into Ted, making him pull away from Evil Bill to cry out over it. Evil Bill smacks his bangs out of the way and grins. “See? I told you he’d man up.”

Bill’s arm goes slack to let Evil Ted move him but still tries to stretch and scissor his fingers in time with the motion as he figures out the rhythm. It’s obvious that Ted enjoys it with the way he writhes and moves to grasp his free hand resting on the sheets over it; plus they’re too far gone for Bill to have any doubts about how in heaven Ted is tonight. As he shrugs Evil Ted’s grip away, Bill raises his Ted’s hand to kiss his palm before shifting his fingers just enough to drive home against what will really make him go wild.

Ted nearly arches off the bed with the fast, slamming pace hitting his prostate just so, whimpering when Evil Bill holds him down and says, “He’s a fast learner, huh, ET?”

“Yeah, EB,” Evil Ted laughs darkly against Bill’s ear, trailing his hands back to rest against Bill’s hips. “Didn’t even have to do it to him instead to really make him learn.”

“Whoa, dude,” Bill says with a chuckle, turning into the shy one in the room as he quickly adds a third finger to Ted’s keening delight. He and Ted have talked about him trying to bottom once or twice but never made any set plans. Yet the way Ted’s taking so much pleasure in how he preps him with this more confident Ted behind him igniting a new fire in his groin, he thinks they may just have to. “You thought about that?”

“Of course, dude,” Evil Ted whispers, pulling a hand away to suck at the tips of his index and middle fingers. “I think it would be most excellent, don’t you?”

When Bill feels the tips of Evil Ted’s fingers slip between his cheeks and lightly brush over his hole, he hopes the way he gasps and impulsively grinds down on them is enough of an answer.

“Dude,” Evil Bill snaps before taking his hat off and tossing it at them. “Stop distracting him, dick, he’s gotta fuck Ted first.”

The way that hat smacks him in the chest pulls him away from this new, exciting feeling against him, throwing it to the floor with a huff as he withdraws his fingers from Ted who’s trying to tug him forward to kiss. As he lets himself come forward to give him what he wants, Evil Ted pulls his hand back and kisses the back of Bill’s neck. “Next time.”

With that promise and the way Ted’s scratching the nape of his neck with the grasp he has on him while they kiss, Bill’s mind is running a mile a minute and he’s thankful for the way his double pushes him away to stand back at the foot of the bed. Evil Bill points at the lube still sat on the bed and says, “Gloss up, dude,” before getting in position on his feet next to Ted’s head. “Ready for a most outstanding spitroast, dude?”

Ted nods, a dreamy grin on his face. “What’s Evil Ted gonna do?”

“He’ll be fine on his own.”

Once Evil Ted’s laid on the bed neck to him, Ted turns his head to see his feet at the other side of his head. He figured that he’d want to lay closer to him to kiss or tease him or something, but Evil Ted happily waves from the other end of the bed once he notices. “I want an up-close view,” he says, bringing the leg that Bill doesn’t hook over his shoulder to spread out along his chest. “He’s gonna look incandescently hot inside you.”

“Righteous,” Evil Bill cries before he launches into an air guitar with his partner, making Ted tap Bill’s back with his foot to get his attention from where he’s lubing himself up so they can do their own. “Hey, we did that first, asshats.”

Ted just laughs and leans back, staring up at Bill and feeling a newfound confidence swelling up inside him as he feels Evil Bill’s cockhead lightly press against his cheek. “Hey, Bill?”

“Yeah, Ted,” Bill breathes out as he’s satisfied with himself.

Not letting himself chicken out and not letting himself back down from what he wants, Ted raises his leg up to tap his foot against him harder this time. “Fuck me hard, okay, dude? Please.”

Bill smiles down at him before experimentally slapping himself against his hole. “I’m gonna make you see stars, babe. Hold onto something.”

The tapping pressure against him makes him hum happily before he leans back and turns to the side to shut his eyes and open his mouth for Evil Bill to slide into just as Bill makes his way inside of him, both groaning low in their throat at the feeling. Ted keeps focus on his breathing and holding his hips steady on the mattress as he adjusts, Evil Ted helping by way of pressing into the bruise he made with his thumb to distract him from the overwhelming rush of feeling trying to catch him. It _is_ all encapsulating already, too, Bill kissing his knee once he’s buried to the hilt and Evil Bill digging his fingers back in his hair once he’s far enough in his mouth without gagging him a lovely contrast, and it makes Ted _want_. After hearing Evil Bill opine how he does plan to make him choke on his cock and how he’ll make absolutely sure that his Bill will come harder than he ever has for days now, he needs them to move as soon as he’s able to take it. He lets himself suck around Evil Bill once and reach for Bill’s hand again to thread through his fingers and squeeze to signal that he’s ready soon after, making the two Bills nod at each other once, twice, and then a third time before pulling out and moving back in together.

True to his word, Bill squeezes the leg draped over him and rocks into him, and even if it’s not hard as the way Evil Bill’s immediately fucking into his mouth, Ted moans greedily around him at the steady pace they immediately establish. Bill’s confidence is back where it needs to be and it makes him twitch and leak against his stomach how willing he’s been to go out of his comfort zone for him. Ted wants to ramble about how much he loves him and wants him and _needs_ him, but the other Bill is doing plenty of talking for them in a much filthier direction.

“Dude, you’re outstanding,” Evil Bill hisses out, angling him towards him further with his hand under his jaw. “Both of you have the most - fuck, the most perfect mouth. Don’t want to even try fucking my own, it can’t get better.”

Evil Ted laughs where he focuses on Bill’s cock slipping in and out of Ted, moving his fist against his own in time with it. “That means it’s mine.” 

Ted clenches around Bill with the way he feels his hips stuttering at that, knowing they’ll lose it if they even try to think about him and Evil Ted turning the tables on their current setup. He’s already feeling like he could lose it already with how Evil Bill’s definitely leaving little bruises against him while he asks, “You think you could take all of it? Think you can lay there and let me fuck your throat while your boyfriend can’t do shit about it?”

“Be careful with him, dude,” Bill bites out as his thrusts get harder to try to compete with him. “If you hurt him-”

“You won’t do anything because he loves it. Don’t you, huh, you love it.”

The breath Ted gasps out when Evil Bill forces him off his cock feels like sweet relief even as he’s being tugged up to stare at him. “It’s - it’s most-”

“Most what?”

Ted squeezes his eyes shut, Bill not letting up between his legs and making him distracted. “It’s most heavenly,” he lands on once he makes himself focus on hooking his leg around Evil Ted for purchase. “I can take it, I swear.”

“Then have it, duder,” Evil Bill says before thrusting back into his mouth and pausing when he reaches his gag flex. Bill slows down just enough for Ted to be able to relax his throat so his double can slip past it just so until Ted’s swallowing him whole, making Evil Bill hold him steady while he adjusts. “Atta boy, you slut.”

“Holy shit,” Bill whispers as he stays still against his hips. 

While he and Evil Bill give Ted time to get used to it, Evil Ted shuffles next to Bill to reach for one of their pillows to rest under his hips before taking the lube from his side. Bill looks down to watch him coat two fingers in it before reaching down as best he can with one leg up to slip them inside himself, letting out a satisfied moan before taking Ted’s leg with his free hand to nip at his calf. It’s then that Ted tugs at Bill’s hand again and just like that, the three of them get moving again; Evil Bill shows considerable restraint this time with how hard he goes, but still has no problem nearly yanking Ted’s hair out.

“You gotta do this, Bill,” he rambles, the slap of his balls against Ted’s chin matching perfectly with Bill’s own further down. “It’s just like ET’s, but better. It’s _your_ Ted.”

Bill knows Evil Ted playfully makes fun of Evil Bill for comparing them, but he’s too focused on the thought of Ted being someone that belongs to him as they move. Of course it makes sense; he and Ted have known each other forever and he’s never known the dedication, trust, and love from someone else the way he has with him. His main priority has always been protecting him from the demons in their lives (sometimes literally) and keeping him safe from harm, but he knows now that some pain can be translated into something beautiful. There’s something absolutely stunning about the lean curve of Ted as he takes the two of them so well and so welcomingly and when he lets himself shift to find his prostate and make him nearly yell around Evil Bill, something clicks into place.

Nobody truly owns Ted, but Ted is _his_ and if there’s ever another time that he wants him to prove that he belongs to him like this, he’ll do it. If it feels this good to possess and take, then he’ll make sure Ted gets exactly what he wants. That’s why he’s thrilled when after so many times he pulls a most delectable hum from his boyfriend each time he hits his prostate, Evil Bill’s finally holding him as close as he can and coming down his throat with the same low whine he knows he lets out at the end.

“Most non-heinous,” Evil Bill pants out as he slowly slips his cock out of Ted’s mouth. “The least heinous in history.”

Ted gasps out once his mouth is empty, his head falling back on to the bed with little fanfare as Evil Bill crawls over to deal with Evil Ted who’s gasping out for much different reasons with three of his fingers inside him now. “Bill,” he shudders out, his chest heaving as he stares up at him. “I want you with me, Bill, please.”

“Yeah,” Bill gasps back, grabbing his other leg to get over his other shoulder after his evil twin pushes it out of the way to straddle Evil Ted and replace his fingers with his own. 

Once it’s settled over him, Ted nearly sobs in ecstasy when Bill bends forward and folds him nearly in half to lay against him and fuck him deeper. He knows he told him how he found Evil Bill & Ted in the van what seems like ages ago now, but he never thought Bill would be ready to emulate it the way he is now as he moves faster and buries his face in his neck to bite at the join between it and his shoulder. Both Teds whine out at once, Evil Ted thanks to the way Evil Bill fucks him with his fingers so eagerly that he’s lifting his hips off the mattress and what Bill’s calling, “ _my_ Ted” because of the way he’s moving to make another mark and another and _another-_

And right when he feels like he needs Bill’s hand on his cock to help finish him off already, Bill pulls away to look him in the eyes and ask, “You trust me, dude?”

“Always,” Ted answers.

Bill grins before resting his palm against his cheek. “Good,” he whispers before rearing his hand back and slapping him across the face.

It takes Ted by surprise, making him cry out his name and clench tight around him, but he’s thrilled, absolutely thrilled and just about there with a second backhanded slap being enough to do it. He hisses and gasps against Bill’s cheek after pulling him back to his neck while he comes, practically melting over the way Bill gives him one more bite before joining him in his orgasm. Bill doesn’t stop moving until they’re completely spent, his thrusts slowing and slowing until he comes to a complete stop inside him and brings Ted’s face forward to kiss him with every bit of love he can muster.

Ted whines pitifully into it, tugging at his curls desperately and whispering, “Thank you,” against his lips before pulling him back in. “Love you, Bill, _love_ you.”

“Love you too,” Bill whispers back, their kisses turning into nothing but panting and licking into each other’s mouth. “Anything, dude, just say the word.”

The sound of Evil Ted hissing out a prideful, laughing orgasm on the other end of the bed pulls them out of the warmth of the moment, his hips thrusting into Evil Bill’s hand as Evil Bill laughs out, “You fruits!”

Bill lets out a grunt of disgust at his annoyance, but keeps himself from complaining over the sweet sound of Ted laughing softly in the sheets. He kisses his flushed cheek, cognizant of the way he’s so clearly fucked out as he asks, “You okay, babe?”

Ted nods sleepily, his eyes fluttering as Bill brings his legs down to stretch out. “I think so.”

When Ted starts to cough, Bill kisses his cheek and rolls away to get up with, “You throat’s gotta be all messed up, let me get you something.”

Ted just nods again before stretching out further to get comfortable. Despite the most exhilarating experience they just had, Evil Bill & Ted both seem pretty okay with Evil Ted quick to bounce back after being so thoroughly milked through his orgasm. What Ted also doesn’t expect is the way Evil Ted sits up to pull Evil Bill back from where he’s moving away to kiss him, wrapping his arms around his neck and taking him back down against the sheets. For all the shit-talking they did about their tenderness and sweetness, here the two of them are sighing against each other’s lips and cuddling close in their afterglow. Sure, Evil Bill insists on reaching for Evil Ted’s hole to circle and tease with his fingers after getting his arm around his waist and rolling them over so Evil Ted rests on top of him, but there seems to still be some sort of affection there.

He supposes that no matter what versions exist of them, he and Bill are always going to be deeply, incredibly connected and no weird mad scientist can take that away from them even in an evil form.

Soon after, Bill’s returning to the bedroom with a glass of water for him and helps guide him to sit up and take a few gulps. Bill’s so achingly gentle as he pushes his hair out of the way and kisses his shoulder before he asks, “Do those hurt?”

Ted stretches his neck, feeling the slight ache of all four hickeys on his neck as he does. “A little, but nothing too odious.”

“Yeah?”

Ted nods before taking another drink, chuckling over Bill bringing his hand down to run his fingers over the hickey Evil Ted left. “That one’s okay too, dude.”

“Alright.” Once Ted’s throat feels better than it did, Bill gets up to set the glass on their amp instead of leaving the bedroom again before snorting at their evil counterparts. “No way.”

Ted looks to see that the two of them have entered their sleep mode, something he learned about early into their stay. They definitely needed it now as to not overheat after that encounter, but they’re snuggled up now with Evil Bill’s lips brushing Evil’s Ted’s temple while their legs lay curled together. “Yeah way, dude,” Ted laughs as he stares at them. “They’re total fruits too.”

“Excellent.”

Something about the sight of them and the way Bill’s lightly kissing at the damage he left once they’re laid on their sides in an embrace too makes him decide to tell him about something else he’s learned recently. “Bill?”

“What’s up, Ted?”

“We get married, you know.”

Bill stops kissing his neck to stare at him. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah, they thought it was most hilarious,” Ted says, petting through his curls. “But it’s not funny to me.”

“Me neither, dude,” Bill says incredulously. “But when would we - how?”

Ted shrugs, too tired from the night to even think about how the legalities of it would come to pass. “The future sounds triumphant, though, huh?”

Bill nods. “ _Our_ future.”

That makes him giggle sweetly against his lips when Bill leans in for one more kiss before returning to his neck. There really wasn’t anything quite like being Bill’s Ted.


End file.
